A Distinctly Feminine Competence

In a reply to Grace at Enjoying the Journey, Sara unknowingly spoke for Anne.

Grace, I know for me, when I am stressed and feeling like life is at me and I need to rise to the occasion, is the time when I have the hardest time letting go to allow Grant to be in control. Why? Because I need to be in control or I will drop one of the 14 very important balls I am juggling. How do I stay in control of me but not of us? How do I negotiate balancing being a competent in charge woman who does well with her responsibilities, yet cedes control to her husband all at once? It’s mind boggling!!!! When it all becomes too much sometimes I do withdraw because I don’t want to get it wrong, mess up, and because I am afraid to let go…and if he makes me let go…I’m afraid I will be like Humpty Dumpty and fall off my wall and into pieces.

Anne is like this, about 90 percent of the time. I can’t think of the last time she let go when we were at home, and not on vacation in some far-away place.

There’s something about a woman’s nature that makes her take on a great number of projects at once, all of them important. The funny thing is that I can’t think of an example of a woman actually dropping the ball. Her stress level may go through the roof, the areas around her thumbnails may look like raw meat, she may melt down when she’s alone with her husband, but she will get her stuff done.

I was reminded of this the other night as Anne covered our large dining table with the immense amount of small gifts she’d accumulated for all of the friends and relatives in her life, and set about wrapping, tagging, and boxing them for mailing. Seems as if in any community of any kind, it also tends to be the women who put the most effort into maintaining the social bonds. Men are great at working together and playing together, but it’s the women who really put the effort into keeping remote friendships healthy and making sure that none of the distant relatives feel slighted.

Anne kept going with the wrapping and tagging, making each package look great to show that much more how much she cares, until it was well past her usual bedtime and she conked out. She asked me to get her up half an hour earlier than her usual early rise time, and she spent another 45 minutes at it in the morning.

I helped a little, but it wasn’t much. In the evening I uploaded her résumé and applied online, in her name, for two jobs while she wrapped. In the morning I stayed an extra five minutes and wrapped a gift before I left for my own job.

She was grateful for these little favors. It occurs to me as I write this that I could have done more. I’ll be more conscious of that next time. But in any case I can tell that the feeling of accomplishment was very rewarding for her.

And I love her for this latest example of her feminine competence.

Blogs I Learn From: Her Mischief Managed

Because I’ve been lurking a lot longer than I’ve been blogging, it’s only fair that I thank the authors of the blogs I read for their ongoing contribution to my life.

And first I want to thank Susie of Her Mischief Managed.*

My kind, gentle husband spanks me and I’m trying to get my head around it.

That’s from her Welcome in the sidebar, and it sums up both her straightforward style and the thoughtful nature of both partners in her marriage. They started this chapter of their life somewhere around the beginning of this year, and I’m both astonished at how wise they are about it after such a short time and regretful that Susie didn’t start blogging about it for seven months. Don’t be fooled by the mystification she pretends to in the Welcome blurb—this wasn’t imposed on her. She and her husband chose it together, and the reasons they choose to continue it are clear in every loving entry.

Susie enjoys nothing about spanking per se, but she accepts it in her marriage as an act of faith and trust. (Her first seven posts say a lot about how that happened and what it was like at first.) Her writing is luminous; I’ll quote some of it below so you can take in the warmth and intelligence.

My favorite entry? Before and After DD, in which Susie explains to an incredulous and somewhat hostile anonymous commenter just why she chose DD in her marriage. She is clear, patient, and completely free of defensiveness. Go read it.

Meanwhile, here are two more samples.

from “Mr. Immovable (Part 1)“

Notice what Susie says about her husband in the first paragraph below. How does she know him so well? I know she’s right about him, because all of it is true of me in my marriage as well.

He made it very clear at the beginning that he had no intention of forcibly spanking me into submission. He does not want to change me or ever make me feel like I am a “bad” person. He doesn’t want me to become any less feisty. He loves his strong, independent woman. But he also loves his quiet, sometimes timid, shy girl. He likes my gentle and caring side. He knows how much I love him and have always shown that, but he wants and deserves my respect as well. He loves when I depend on him and need him. He appreciates when I step into his protective little bubble and don’t fight him to get out and battle the world all on my own. He wants us to work together instead of against each other and expects my full cooperation….

I’m actually really proud of him. I guess I never wanted a Gumby hubby in the first place. As much as the immovability makes me crazy, my man is a great leader and he is exactly who I need. In fact, if he did not lead well, I would step right back up. It kind of forces the issue and keeps him on his toes. Right now, at this point in our relationship, his ability to be a brick wall is a very healthy thing. He’s not so strong that I feel stepped on, but he’s just strong enough to walk us in the right direction.

from “Holding Hands“

I find it strange that it’s so important to me but I think that it has something to do with the fact that even during our roughest moments in marriage, he never let go of my hand. He’s never withheld it out of anger. In fact, when he’s a bit miffed he just grabs it a little tighter. I may not have always given mine freely, but his was always there.

In its simplicity it signifies trust and protection and oneness. The physical touch is very much assuming. I am HIS. He is mine as well, but there’s a possessiveness in his hand holding that makes my heart flutter a little bit. I look at his hand and then up at him and I get a little melty. I don’t quite have it figured out and I’m not sure that I want to…but I know that if he were ever to tighten his fist instead of opening it to me, I’d be absolutely devastated.

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Personally, I’d be absolutely devastated if Susie stopped blogging. In sharing this aspect of her life with us, she is one of the greatest examples of how a strong, independent, intelligent woman can thrive in a DD marriage.

* Careful readers of my own blog may notice that Susie was my first commenter. That’s actually a coincidence—I went looking for the blog that included the phrase about the “kind, gentle husband,” only to find that it was in fact Susie’s.